Thursday, July 30, 2009

Trying to find my way

I am a cradle Catholic. I was born and raised as one. Although raised implies that we went to church...we'll leave that story for another day.

I did go to ccd until I made my confirmation. Then I felt like I was free from going each week. I never enjoyed it, never felt like I learned anything from it. But I never really thought about my religion. I never thought about it except when someone asked me what religion I am. I am Catholic. No doubts in my mind.

But what does that really mean?
I am trying to figure that out. It has become more important to me since my children were born. I want them raised Catholic and I want them to understand their religion and feel happy in it. I don't want them to feel the way I did about CCD.

I started finding my way back when I started teaching first grade at a Catholic school. A little backwards I know, but I liked teaching the little ones about God and Jesus. It was fun. And they taught me SO much. The innocence in them. And their questions... they made me think! . I wanted to learn about my religion again. It even became important to me to be married in a Catholic church although we really wanted an outdoor ceremony.
I started going to church again and enjoying it. My mom even started back because of me. She still goes weekly
Me not so much.
After Madeline was born I decided I needed to make a commitment to going back. She was baptized in the church that I grew up in and now attend.
Then I started teaching CCD and started going regularly. I loved ccd. I had so much fun again teaching the kids and trying to find interesting ways to help them learn about God and the commandments.
Then Owen was born. And although he was baptized, going to church with a two year old and a newborn just did not seem worth the effort that was required.

Recently I have again made the commitment to going back. Jon is great, but he is not religious. I accept that if I want to go to church I need to state it and make the effort on Sundays. Jon will go, and help me to go, but he will not suggest it or push me to go either.
So we have been going for a month. And I find myself happy at church. It is hard to concentrate on Mass with two toddlers running around, but I am hopeful that if we continue to go that Madeline and Owen will get better at their behavior as they learn what is expected of them. And Jon is extremely helpful with teaching them to behave. We sit in the crying room so as not to disturb those around us.

I want to start teaching Madeline to say her prayers at bedtime but I wonder if she is too young to learn. Then I wonder is anyone to young to pray? She is very curious about church and talking to our priest each week. I am also thinking more of incorporating Bible stories into our attempt at a preschool curriculum this year.

I am trying because I feel more peaceful when I go to church. I used to wonder about people who were like that. But I am hopeful that I can be that person now. I want to be.

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