In my last post I was devastated. I was waiting for confirmation on what I believed to be was a miscarriage.
Then this past Monday I got amazing news. Based on my blood work I am in fact pregnant.
This was confirmed by an ultrasound on Tuesday where we saw the heartbeat and the little bean!
I am still in shock at this new development. Jon and I are thrilled and are now looking at minivans to purchase for our soon to be larger family.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. They were appreciated.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
At a loss
Monday I was startled to find out I was pregnant. I took a test at the end of October and got a negative. I was dissapointed, but not sad.
Two weeks later I was feeling pretty cruddy for several days. And not the I-have-the-flu type cruddy, but the I-remember-this-from-when-I-was-pregnant-with-Ben type cruddy. So I retested and got my positive test! Jon and I were thrilled.
I admit, although we were trying for this pregnancy, I was scared as well. I had a few moments where I questioned if we had done the right thing. In the bottom of my heart I know we are, but I always have a moment of panic when I get that positive test. I don't know why, but I do.
Then Wednesday came. And things just felt off. Aside from the all day queasiness I have been dealing with I didn't feel right. Around noon I started cramping pretty bad. And then I started bleeding.
I was scared. I called Jon home from work. I called the doctor who sent me in for blood work (which will be repeated Friday and Monday). But now 24 hours later, the bleeding continues and it is clear. I miscarried this baby.
I don't know how to deal with my feelings. I am unbearably sad for this baby that I knew about for 2 days. Even with my moment of panic (which I feel so guilty for now) I WANTED this baby. And now, just like that, it is gone. I don't know how to move forward from this. How do I grieve for something so small?
I am so incredibly lucky for the three healthy children I have, which is more than many. But they don't understand why mommy and daddy are quiet and sad. They worry, especially Madeline who picks up on these things. How do I grieve without scaring or worrying her?
We didn't tell anyone about this baby. We only learned Monday and were planning on waiting until Christmas. How do I tell those who matter most that I was pregnant and no longer am? Do I tell them? But at the same time how do I not tell those who I depend on most? As of now I have told only one person who is being amazingly supportive. (And those I am close to in real life don't read this blog so I can pour my heart out here somewhat anonymously.) Jon and I are suporting each other through this, but I question if we should reach out to others or simply help each other. No one else can feel the pain we feel for this baby, but they will offer support and a shoulder to cry on.
How do I take the chance on another pregnancy? How can I even think about that now?
I am struggling with my feelings. I want to grieve in the right way and be able to move on with life, not forgetting, just moving past. But how long do I allow myself? Do I give myself a time limit on this?
And how do I deal with the holidays next week? I have days and days of planned activities. I don't want to skip them but at the same time right now the last thing I want to do is put on a happy face for others. I simply want to curl up in bed and close my eyes.
If only I hadn't taken that test. I wouldn't have known. I don't know if that would be better to never know that this life was there. In some ways it would have, the pain would not be there. I would be enjoying the holidays. But at the same time I wouldn't have known about this life. And the idea of that makes me sad as well.
I guess for right now all I can do is take it one day at a time. I just don't know how to do that exactly....
Two weeks later I was feeling pretty cruddy for several days. And not the I-have-the-flu type cruddy, but the I-remember-this-from-when-I-was-pregnant-with-Ben type cruddy. So I retested and got my positive test! Jon and I were thrilled.
I admit, although we were trying for this pregnancy, I was scared as well. I had a few moments where I questioned if we had done the right thing. In the bottom of my heart I know we are, but I always have a moment of panic when I get that positive test. I don't know why, but I do.
Then Wednesday came. And things just felt off. Aside from the all day queasiness I have been dealing with I didn't feel right. Around noon I started cramping pretty bad. And then I started bleeding.
I was scared. I called Jon home from work. I called the doctor who sent me in for blood work (which will be repeated Friday and Monday). But now 24 hours later, the bleeding continues and it is clear. I miscarried this baby.
I don't know how to deal with my feelings. I am unbearably sad for this baby that I knew about for 2 days. Even with my moment of panic (which I feel so guilty for now) I WANTED this baby. And now, just like that, it is gone. I don't know how to move forward from this. How do I grieve for something so small?
I am so incredibly lucky for the three healthy children I have, which is more than many. But they don't understand why mommy and daddy are quiet and sad. They worry, especially Madeline who picks up on these things. How do I grieve without scaring or worrying her?
We didn't tell anyone about this baby. We only learned Monday and were planning on waiting until Christmas. How do I tell those who matter most that I was pregnant and no longer am? Do I tell them? But at the same time how do I not tell those who I depend on most? As of now I have told only one person who is being amazingly supportive. (And those I am close to in real life don't read this blog so I can pour my heart out here somewhat anonymously.) Jon and I are suporting each other through this, but I question if we should reach out to others or simply help each other. No one else can feel the pain we feel for this baby, but they will offer support and a shoulder to cry on.
How do I take the chance on another pregnancy? How can I even think about that now?
I am struggling with my feelings. I want to grieve in the right way and be able to move on with life, not forgetting, just moving past. But how long do I allow myself? Do I give myself a time limit on this?
And how do I deal with the holidays next week? I have days and days of planned activities. I don't want to skip them but at the same time right now the last thing I want to do is put on a happy face for others. I simply want to curl up in bed and close my eyes.
If only I hadn't taken that test. I wouldn't have known. I don't know if that would be better to never know that this life was there. In some ways it would have, the pain would not be there. I would be enjoying the holidays. But at the same time I wouldn't have known about this life. And the idea of that makes me sad as well.
I guess for right now all I can do is take it one day at a time. I just don't know how to do that exactly....
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Menu Plan Monday
After one week of getting things back to normal, I think we are there. The house is clean. The clothes are clean. Madeline is back to school. Jon had a full week of work. We have caught up with everything that could not get done in the week that we were without power. We even had a showing on our house and went to look at two possible houses for us to purchase. Life is back to normal.
I know I use my stove and oven a lot, but not having them for a week was a HUGE wake up call on how much I depend on them. This week I enjoyed every minute I was able to cook and bake (for once!)
This week's menu:
Monday- kielbasa for Jon and the kids with vegetables, leftover soup for me at work.
Tuesday- Chicken nuggets for the kids, leftovers for Jon and I (we have quite a few in the fridge right now)
Wednesday- Pasta and meatballs with green beans. I am making 3 pounds of meatballs since it is easier to make a bunch at one time and then freeze them for dinners on other nights.
Thursday- Buffalo chicken tenders, apple sauce and baby carrots
Friday- Nachos- loaded with chicken, cheese and veggies (beans too if I can sneak them past Jon)
Saturday- Homemade pizza
Sunday- dinner at my mom and dad's. We are celebrating an early Thanksgiving (Jon and I are taking the kids to visit his family for Thanksgiving this year) as well as my niece's first birthday. I am making something, not sure what until my mom lets me know!
For more menu ideas visit I'm An Organizing Junkie
I know I use my stove and oven a lot, but not having them for a week was a HUGE wake up call on how much I depend on them. This week I enjoyed every minute I was able to cook and bake (for once!)
This week's menu:
Monday- kielbasa for Jon and the kids with vegetables, leftover soup for me at work.
Tuesday- Chicken nuggets for the kids, leftovers for Jon and I (we have quite a few in the fridge right now)
Wednesday- Pasta and meatballs with green beans. I am making 3 pounds of meatballs since it is easier to make a bunch at one time and then freeze them for dinners on other nights.
Thursday- Buffalo chicken tenders, apple sauce and baby carrots
Friday- Nachos- loaded with chicken, cheese and veggies (beans too if I can sneak them past Jon)
Saturday- Homemade pizza
Sunday- dinner at my mom and dad's. We are celebrating an early Thanksgiving (Jon and I are taking the kids to visit his family for Thanksgiving this year) as well as my niece's first birthday. I am making something, not sure what until my mom lets me know!
For more menu ideas visit I'm An Organizing Junkie
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
7 days without power
I have experienced many power outages over the years. I live in Massachusetts and we get snowstorms every winter, and at least one of them knock out the power for a few hours to a day. On average we probably lost power for 1-2 days at most a winter, and that wasn't consecutive days either.
Then this year happened.
Last winter we had many, many snowstorms. We lost power only once for a few hours, completely normal and expected.
Then June came and brought along my first ever (and hopefully last ever) tornado. We were lucky and the damage was about a mile from our house. Madeline's preschool was ruined, as well as my mom's high school, among the many other neighborhoods that were damaged or demolished. From that we lost power for about 2 days. That felt like a long time. And I was grateful for our generator (that Jon insisted we buy 6 years ago.)
Then we had what my friend has nicknamed "Snotober." On October 29 we got over a foot of snow. The amount of snow wasn't the problem, the timing if it was. The leaves were still on the trees. And when you add heavy snow on top of trees that still have their leaves you have disaster. We lost power, most of our city was out. My parents town was 100% out. My grandparent's town was 100% out. The town Jon teaches in was over 75% out.
7 days later we got our power back. 7 LONG days.
7 days where our generator saved us. We had heat, hot water and our fridge and freezer worked. Heck, we even had television and a dvd player that worked.
For the most part our week continued as normal. We were able to stay warm. We kept the kids busy as I normally do. There were two extra people around during the weekday (Jon and Madeline had no school) but otherwise things were normal. We got creative with cooking- the crockpot was very useful, as well as the grill. We even were able to use our microwave a few times. Our generator won't power our stove and oven so we were not able to use them. but with the other appliances we ate more than just cereal and sandwiches.
What we almost ran out of was the gas to run the generator. Jon and I drove around for an hour on Sunday looking for gas. We didn't find any. On Monday Jon went out and found gas an hour later. After that, anytime we left the house we brought an empty gas can and filled it up if we could. As the week went on gas was easier to find as more people got their power back and more gas stations were able to open. But it was scary that day where we wondered if we could power our generator.
And I learned that I need to be more prepared for things like this.
I am working on what I need to keep in the house for times of no power again. Space is an issue so I am trying to think of ways to creatively keep emergency items on hand without losing valuable storage space. I am also trying to decide what things I need that we don't already have. But that is my project between now and the official start of winter.
And the next time the weatherman says that their is a large storm coming, you can bet I will be in line at the gas station filling up every gas can we have in the house. I won't be making fun of people who over-react to these things anymore. I learned my lesson!
Then this year happened.
Last winter we had many, many snowstorms. We lost power only once for a few hours, completely normal and expected.
Then June came and brought along my first ever (and hopefully last ever) tornado. We were lucky and the damage was about a mile from our house. Madeline's preschool was ruined, as well as my mom's high school, among the many other neighborhoods that were damaged or demolished. From that we lost power for about 2 days. That felt like a long time. And I was grateful for our generator (that Jon insisted we buy 6 years ago.)
Then we had what my friend has nicknamed "Snotober." On October 29 we got over a foot of snow. The amount of snow wasn't the problem, the timing if it was. The leaves were still on the trees. And when you add heavy snow on top of trees that still have their leaves you have disaster. We lost power, most of our city was out. My parents town was 100% out. My grandparent's town was 100% out. The town Jon teaches in was over 75% out.
7 days later we got our power back. 7 LONG days.
7 days where our generator saved us. We had heat, hot water and our fridge and freezer worked. Heck, we even had television and a dvd player that worked.
For the most part our week continued as normal. We were able to stay warm. We kept the kids busy as I normally do. There were two extra people around during the weekday (Jon and Madeline had no school) but otherwise things were normal. We got creative with cooking- the crockpot was very useful, as well as the grill. We even were able to use our microwave a few times. Our generator won't power our stove and oven so we were not able to use them. but with the other appliances we ate more than just cereal and sandwiches.
What we almost ran out of was the gas to run the generator. Jon and I drove around for an hour on Sunday looking for gas. We didn't find any. On Monday Jon went out and found gas an hour later. After that, anytime we left the house we brought an empty gas can and filled it up if we could. As the week went on gas was easier to find as more people got their power back and more gas stations were able to open. But it was scary that day where we wondered if we could power our generator.
And I learned that I need to be more prepared for things like this.
I am working on what I need to keep in the house for times of no power again. Space is an issue so I am trying to think of ways to creatively keep emergency items on hand without losing valuable storage space. I am also trying to decide what things I need that we don't already have. But that is my project between now and the official start of winter.
And the next time the weatherman says that their is a large storm coming, you can bet I will be in line at the gas station filling up every gas can we have in the house. I won't be making fun of people who over-react to these things anymore. I learned my lesson!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Menu Plan Monday
To say that last week did not go as planned is putting it mildly. We lost power on October 29th and it is still out as I am writing this on November 4. We had a snowstorm that in the middle of winter would have been normal and expected. But when you put a foot of snow on top of trees that still have most of their leaves, the results are less than pleasant.
We have a generator (love my husband for that purchase!) but it won't power our stove. My fridge stayed cold and my house and water stayed warm so we dealt with the lack of stove issue. We got creative (crockpot, grill and toaster meals) and we only ate out one time. I will post more about that later this week. But suffice it to say my menu plan was not followed. At all.
I am hopeful that our power will be restored by the time this posts but I am not sure. We were supposed to have power back by Friday at noon. On Friday at 10 am they changed that prediction to Sunday at noon. I am hopeful but I am being realistic, it may be several more days without power. My menu is planned as if we have power, but I have backup meals in mind if we continue to cook on the grill, crockpot and George Foreman grill.
This week's planned menu:
Monday- chicken nuggets and baby carrots
Tuesday- kielbasa and vegetables for Jon and the kids. Soup for me.
Wednesday- spaghetti and meatballs, homemade bread.
Thursday- cheeseburger soup (from last week's plan)
Friday- quesadillas
Saturday- chicken, broccoli and rice
Sunday- homemade pizza
For more menu ideas visit I'm An Organizing Junkie
We have a generator (love my husband for that purchase!) but it won't power our stove. My fridge stayed cold and my house and water stayed warm so we dealt with the lack of stove issue. We got creative (crockpot, grill and toaster meals) and we only ate out one time. I will post more about that later this week. But suffice it to say my menu plan was not followed. At all.
I am hopeful that our power will be restored by the time this posts but I am not sure. We were supposed to have power back by Friday at noon. On Friday at 10 am they changed that prediction to Sunday at noon. I am hopeful but I am being realistic, it may be several more days without power. My menu is planned as if we have power, but I have backup meals in mind if we continue to cook on the grill, crockpot and George Foreman grill.
This week's planned menu:
Monday- chicken nuggets and baby carrots
Tuesday- kielbasa and vegetables for Jon and the kids. Soup for me.
Wednesday- spaghetti and meatballs, homemade bread.
Thursday- cheeseburger soup (from last week's plan)
Friday- quesadillas
Saturday- chicken, broccoli and rice
Sunday- homemade pizza
For more menu ideas visit I'm An Organizing Junkie
Friday, November 4, 2011
Letters of Intent
Dear WMECO,
We are on day 6 of no power. I understand you are working hard to get us back up. And I understand that an October snowstorm is not normal in our part of the US. But day 6? And it looks like I have another two days to go without power.
Thank you for working around the clock, but could you please come to my street now?
-no power in Western MA
* * * * * *
Dear Jon,
Thank you for randomly insisting that we buy a generator six years ago. I thought you were a little weird for the request, but we did it. That generator has come in handy over the years. And this week it was a godsend. Thank you for that odd purchase. And I won't question it next time.
-your warm wife
* * * * *
Mother Nature,
WTF?!?!?!
Honestly, I don't get it. A snowstorm BEFORE Halloween that has left us powerless for 6 days now.
I am worried about winter.
-supremely confused in Western MA
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