At a loss

Monday I was startled to find out I was pregnant. I took a test at the end of October and got a negative. I was dissapointed, but not sad.
Two weeks later I was feeling pretty cruddy for several days. And not the I-have-the-flu type cruddy, but the I-remember-this-from-when-I-was-pregnant-with-Ben type cruddy. So I retested and got my positive test! Jon and I were thrilled.
I admit, although we were trying for this pregnancy, I was scared as well. I had a few moments where I questioned if we had done the right thing. In the bottom of my heart I know we are, but I always have a moment of panic when I get that positive test. I don't know why, but I do.
Then Wednesday came. And things just felt off. Aside from the all day queasiness I have been dealing with I didn't feel right. Around noon I started cramping pretty bad. And then I started bleeding.
I was scared. I called Jon home from work. I called the doctor who sent me in for blood work (which will be repeated Friday and Monday). But now 24 hours later, the bleeding continues and it is clear. I miscarried this baby.
I don't know how to deal with my feelings. I am unbearably sad for this baby that I knew about for 2 days. Even with my moment of panic (which I feel so guilty for now) I WANTED this baby. And now, just like that, it is gone. I don't know how to move forward from this. How do I grieve for something so small?
I am so incredibly lucky for the three healthy children I have, which is more than many. But they don't understand why mommy and daddy are quiet and sad. They worry, especially Madeline who picks up on these things. How do I grieve without scaring or worrying her?
We didn't tell anyone about this baby. We only learned Monday and were planning on waiting until Christmas. How do I tell those who matter most that I was pregnant and no longer am? Do I tell them? But at the same time how do I not tell those who I depend on most? As of now I have told only one person who is being amazingly supportive. (And those I am close to in real life don't read this blog so I can pour my heart out here somewhat anonymously.) Jon and I are suporting each other through this, but I question if we should reach out to others or simply help each other. No one else can feel the pain we feel for this baby, but they will offer support and a shoulder to cry on.
How do I take the chance on another pregnancy? How can I even think about that now?
I am struggling with my feelings. I want to grieve in the right way and be able to move on with life, not forgetting, just moving past. But how long do I allow myself? Do I give myself a time limit on this?
And how do I deal with the holidays next week? I have days and days of planned activities. I don't want to skip them but at the same time right now the last thing I want to do is put on a happy face for others. I simply want to curl up in bed and close my eyes.
If only I hadn't taken that test. I wouldn't have known. I don't know if that would be better to never know that this life was there. In some ways it would have, the pain would not be there. I would be enjoying the holidays. But at the same time I wouldn't have known about this life. And the idea of that makes me sad as well.
I guess for right now all I can do is take it one day at a time. I just don't know how to do that exactly....

7 days without power

I have experienced many power outages over the years. I live in Massachusetts and we get snowstorms every winter, and at least one of them knock out the power for a few hours to a day. On average we probably lost power for 1-2 days at most a winter, and that wasn't consecutive days either.
Then this year happened.
Last winter we had many, many snowstorms. We lost power only once for a few hours, completely normal and expected.
Then June came and brought along my first ever (and hopefully last ever) tornado. We were lucky and the damage was about a mile from our house. Madeline's preschool was ruined, as well as my mom's high school, among the many other neighborhoods that were damaged or demolished. From that we lost power for about 2 days. That felt like a long time. And I was grateful for our generator (that Jon insisted we buy 6 years ago.)
Then we had what my friend has nicknamed "Snotober." On October 29 we got over a foot of snow. The amount of snow wasn't the problem, the timing if it was. The leaves were still on the trees. And when you add heavy snow on top of trees that still have their leaves you have disaster. We lost power, most of our city was out. My parents town was 100% out. My grandparent's town was 100% out. The town Jon teaches in was over 75% out.
7 days later we got our power back. 7 LONG days.
7 days where our generator saved us. We had heat, hot water and our fridge and freezer worked. Heck, we even had television and a dvd player that worked.
For the most part our week continued as normal. We were able to stay warm. We kept the kids busy as I normally do. There were two extra people around during the weekday (Jon and Madeline had no school) but otherwise things were normal. We got creative with cooking- the crockpot was very useful, as well as the grill. We even were able to use our microwave a few times. Our generator won't power our stove and oven so we were not able to use them. but with the other appliances we ate more than just cereal and sandwiches.
What we almost ran out of was the gas to run the generator. Jon and I drove around for an hour on Sunday looking for gas. We didn't find any. On Monday Jon went out and found gas an hour later. After that, anytime we left the house we brought an empty gas can and filled it up if we could. As the week went on gas was easier to find as more people got their power back and more gas stations were able to open. But it was scary that day where we wondered if we could power our generator.
And I learned that I need to be more prepared for things like this.
I am working on what I need to keep in the house for times of no power again. Space is an issue so I am trying to think of ways to creatively keep emergency items on hand without losing valuable storage space. I am also trying to decide what things I need that we don't already have. But that is my project between now and the official start of winter.
And the next time the weatherman says that their is a large storm coming, you can bet I will be in line at the gas station filling up every gas can we have in the house. I won't be making fun of people who over-react to these things anymore. I learned my lesson!

I am not perfect

Anyone surprised? I didn't think so.
The nice thing about this blog is that I can control what you know about me. And that is nice, because I have many many less than perfect moments. More than I would like to admit. But after reading Colleen's and Aimee's confessions about some of their real mom moments I decided to admit my less than stellar moments.

1. When Ben is fussy and I can't figure out what he wants I am frustrated with him. I can often be heard at these times telling him to just learn to speak already. Yup, that is me getting mad at a 16 month old for not being able to clearly tell me his wants and needs.

2. I don't cook breakfast. Ever. My kids eat cereal, yogurt, or toast every day. I am okay with that.

3. You know those vitamins they doctor says you kids need to take each day? A 3 month supply usually lasts us closer to 8 or 9 months. But my kids are fairly healthy so I guess I am doing okay?

4. Madeline has told me several times that her stomach hurts in the morning. My response?"Eat breakfast and you will be fine. You are going to school." How is that for a sympathetic mom?

5. Poor Ben is getting the most relaxed mom of my three kids. This can be a good thing but isn't always. Like yesterday when the boys were in the playroom and I was in the kitchen. Ben started crying. I simply yelled "Owen stop making Ben cry or you are out of the playroom." But did I stop to see what the actual problem was? Nope. In my defense Ben did stop crying as soon as I yelled at Owen.

6. At dinner time one of my standby lines is "Mommy is not a short order cook. You get what you get and you either eat it or you don't." There have been occasions where my kids went to bed without eating. I promise it doesn't happen often.

7. When my kids won't help me clean up after a meal and they ask to play my response usually is, "Mommy has to clean. Since no one wants to help me it will take me longer to do and I can't play with you until it is done. " Yup, mom of the year moment right there- telling my kid that cleaning is more important than playing with them.

8. My kids eat chicken nuggets or macaroni and cheese at least one night a week for dinner, sometimes twice.

9. Ben was playing around today, swatting at the book I was holding. He hit it hard and it hit my nose. Somehow they always manage to hit my nose and it hurts! I got mad and yelled "No!" at him. He started crying. I am supposed to be the adult and I yelled at my 16 month old for accidentally hitting me.


Anyone else want to confess?

When things break...

Jon's truck is from the 90's. It is not in superb condition. But it runs. He likes it. And if we want to replace my Jeep for something larger(soon) we need to keep his truck. But today I hate the thing.
Jon is great at fixing vehicles most of the time. He fixes my Jeep as well as his truck 95% of the time. There are some things he can't do and those we turn over the a mechanic. Like today, the truck needs some front end work. Jon isn't able to fix things involving steering so we dropped the truck off last night. Jon took my jeep to work and I am home with the boys. Being the one at home means I get the phone call about the truck. And the moment the mechanic started off by telling that the good news is the front end parts will cost a little over $300, I started to hate the truck.
After talking to the mechanic I called Jon at work pulling him away from teaching. But when the parts of the truck add up to more than the value of the truck I pull Jon out of class to deal with it. It turns out he knew about the more extensive (and expensive) pieces but plans to fix them himself. How I wish he would have told me before I heard from the mechanic. It will still be expensive to fix, but not nearly as expensive as if the mechanic fixes it!
Our mechanic is great and knows that Jon fixes many of the issues our vehicles encounter. He was very understanding when I called and said to just do the front end and Jon would fix the rest. He even agreed to write down everything he had found wrong with the exhaust. The downside, is that even though Jon can fix the truck it is still going to cost money.
We plan for things like this to happen, although we always hope they will not. We don't spend every penny we earn every month. We save and live under what we can afford. And on days like these I am glad for that. Because we are able to save, we will not be maxing out a credit card. And we don't have to borrow money from others for things like this. We are able to plan for things to break and need repair. Because of that, while paying for the repairs isn't fun, it isn't as stressful as it could be.

Changes and more changes

There have been a lot of changes around here in just the past 7 days.



Last week at this time I was working on accepting that Madeline will be in school in less than a month. I was working to keep the house clean and hoping and working towards finding a buyer so that we could purchase a bigger house in a nicer town for our family. I was working on letting go of things I can't control.



And then this past week happened.



In the past seven days homeschooling is once again on the table. We are now looking into becoming landlords and renting out our house. And the price of the house went want dropped another $12,000.



I'll start with the biggest change- becoming a landlord. This is nothing I ever planned to do, but our house is not selling. And getting mortgages is becoming more difficult. Our realtor feels that, based on these facts, if we want this particular house (and we REALLY do) we should consider renting out our house. He tells us that there is a need for rental properties, especially houses, right now. We have enough for a down payment without selling (with the new house price) so we are looking into the ins and outs of being landlords and getting qualified for a mortgage while still owning our current house. It is a scary prospect, but also exciting.



Jon and our realtor went and looked at the house we really want. After the extreme price decrease we were becoming concerned that there were more problems than we had originally seen or that the mold had taken over more of the house. The mold is still there but has not progressed much. It still looks contained to the basement which means we can demolish the finished walls, clean it and be done. Obviously inspections need to be done to ensure that there is nothing else wrong, but we are cautiously optimistic.



As for the homeschooling, that change a large shock to me as Jon was the one who suggested it. There is a reason for this. In our current city if we were to hold Madeline out this year (for homeschool or preschool) she would be required to enter first grade based solely on her age. Because of this fact Jon was pushing for kindergarten this year even though we are not convinced she is ready. He didn't want to keep her home and then be required to send her to first grade, whether she was ready or not. The other option, of keeping her out for two years, is not something he sees as ideal. In discussing our possible move the idea of holding Madeline out a year came up again (I was talking about a mom I know who held her son out for an extra year in the new town). Jon didn't realize that if we move to the new town and we choose to keep Madeline home another year we can still enroll her in kindergarten next school year if we choose, regardless of the fact that she will be 6 at the time. Because of this he would prefer to keep her home this coming year and homeschool her with the kindergarten curriculum. This way the following year we can decide, based on Madeline herself and not her age, whether she is ready for first grade or needs another year of kindergarten. Needless to say, I am ecstatic at the prospect.





I never expected so many changes in 1 week. At this time last week I was struggling so much. But now everything is falling into place. I know nothing is definite, there are still so many things to figure out, but I am so much more optimistic. I am very scared at the prospect of becoming a landlord, but all of the positive things that can come because of it are slowly helping me to realize that this is a risk that will help my family. I am a believer that we control much of what happens to us through our choices. This past week has shown me that although I can control many things I still need to open my eyes and look at options that are not familiar to me and be open to these changes.

Trying to move on 1 income...

I like my house. I like my neighborhood. I love many things my city has to offer.
I don't love the school system in this city.

Because of that factor, the school system, we are looking to move. Madeline is starting kindergarten in a month. We listed our house back in the beginning of June and we optimistic that we could be in a new house before school started, or soon after. It seemed perfect, Jon had the summer off and could help with cleaning and packing. We were too optimistic.

If you have watched the news lately you know the economy is not great. You also know that banks are not giving mortgages out very easily. I am reminded of this both by the news and my realtor. And the for sale sign that won't budge from my front yard is a daily reminder as well. Now is not a good time to move if you have a house to sell, or not great credit. Because we have worked hard over the years to live within our means we have excellent credit. But we also have a house to sell.


Keeping our credit score also means knowing what we are comfortable affording for a mortgage. We went to get pre-approved yesterday. I was amazed at how much they would give us. It is almost double what we want and feel comfortable paying. If we took the amount they are willing to give us, the options of where to buy a house would grow hugely. But we won't. Because we know what our other bills are. And we know what we spend and how much we feel comfortable spending on our house. And the bank doesn't know that, all they know is how much we can afford based on our income. They don't know that we choose to have money to put into savings for the just in case. They don't know that we may need to buy another vehicle in a few months. we know this and we choose to buy a house based on all of those factors, not simply what the bank says we can afford.

Living comfortable within our income means that if we want a nicer town, and a slightly bigger house, then we buy a fixer upper. That is okay, it is part of the choice that we made. Even with our price requirements we found a house we want. We love this house. It needs help, quite a bit of it actually. But the help it needs is cosmetic which means that we can move in and work while living their. It has three bedrooms, one and a half baths, a living room, kitchen, dining room, bonus room and finished basement. It has a two car garage and 7/10 of an acre. It is in a great town. It is perfect for our family.

So now I continue to keep my house extra clean and hope the phone rings and a realtor wants to show our house. Or even better, that someone has made an offer on our house. It will happen, eventually. I just need a reminder lesson in patience.

Getting ready

Madeline will be starting school in a month. I am truly struggling with this in many ways. For one I still would love to homeschool her for at least her kindergarten year. But after many discussions with Jon he still does not feel it is right for our family. I understand his hesitations but disagree with his views. However this is not a decision I can make alone, this is something we must decide together.

As I am realizing I will not be teaching Madeline at home I became hopeful that our house would sell this summer and we would be in a better town before she started school. After 45 days on the market we have not had an offer. While I know this is not a long time to be on the market I was still hopeful that we would be in a new house before school starts, or at least soon after.

The third reason I am struggling with school this year is that kindergarten is full day in my city. I do not agree with full day kindergarten for many important reasons. However I do not have the option of half day unless Jon and I find tuition money for private school (where is that money tree in the backyard when you need it?) or we decide to go the homeschool route. Madeline enjoyed school last year but a few things happened that concern me about her in kindergarten this year. I am hopeful that the 6 months that have passed since our last conference with her teacher will have helped Madeline grow, but I still hold concerns that she did not grow as much as we had hoped.

I am amazed at how much I am struggling with the idea of Madeline going to school in one month. It has worsened my overall anxiety (and Jon has noted the increase on several occasions). It is also effecting my sleep at night. And it overall just plain makes me sad. And this concerns me. Is it normal to feel this way? To talk to several of the moms I know it is not. To feel sad about your child going to kindergarten is normal, but to the extreme that I am seems not to be. Several moms I know are actually excited to have their kids go, and mention to me how much easier things will be with only two kids at home instead of all three. However, I do not know anyone else who feels as strongly about half day kindergarten, or homeschooling, as I do which may be one reason I feel so abnormal. But I worry. I start to think I will be one of those mothers who never lets her kid grow up. The ones they like to feature on "Mom Swap." The ones who appear crazy. I don't want to be that way. But I can't let go of the anxiety I am feeling, and the overall sadness. I will miss her terribly. If I am abnormal I hope that it passes as she learns to love school, but I also worry that if she is struggling with school that my issues will come through. How can I encourage something I truly do not agree with? How do I put those feelings aside? I know I will, I have before. But right now I am struggling to find the strength to do this.

In case you haven't noticed before I tend to extremes. I worry that everything will be all horrible or am convinced that everything will be perfectly okay. In reality things tend to settle somewhere in the middle. And I need to keep reminding myself of that, and this will be one of those times hopefully. But any advice on how to handle my anxiety and sadness would be greatly appreciated.

Some things don't change

We were away in Maine last week for our vacation. While up there I ran out of books to read (with no Internet I did a TON of reading). Jon, trying to be helpful, rummaged around the camp his parents are fixing up and found some old magazines. It actually hurts to call them old because they are from 1996 and 1997. And to call these magazines old means that I am getting old. But never mind that...

One was a Good Housekeeping and one was Parents magazine. These are magazines I read now so it was interesting to see what they wrote about 15 years ago. And it surprised me to see so many of the same issues. The article that interested me the most was the article about cutting back and being more frugal during that time. The ideas were the same and one of the women they featured is someone I read even today, Jonni McCoy of Miserly Moms. When I was first staying at home and looking for ways to cut back I ran many Internet searches on Google. Jonni's site was one of the first I found and one I read countless times. To read about her from 15 years ago was fun, especially since it talked about her newsletter. Remember those? I had to keep reminding myself this article was 15 years old, blogs were not a way of life then.

The article featured four moms, including Jonni, who were cutting back. They had many suggestions that still ring true. Use coupons (or don't, the women had different views on this), use tag sales to find clothes and other needed items, splurge on things that you will use for a long time as they hold their value, learn how to grocery shop using sales and many other ideas you see written about in today's magazines.

I was interesting, and it made me happy to read this article. When you listen to the news today they talk about cutting back as if it is this brand new phenomenon. But this 15 year old article shows that no, this is not a brand new idea. Many people have been doing this for years. And the ideas are still the same. Technology may have changed, items we want have changed, our ways of accessing information have changed, but in the end the idea of wanting to live within our means is not a new idea. And it is one that will, hopefully, continue to stick around.

Now, I am going back to feeling old...

A little quiet around here...

Okay, saying it has been a little quiet is an understatement. I think I can hear the crickets chirping on my blog! I have not had the desire to write on here lately and I am not sure what that means for the future of this blog.

It has been very busy around here and that is part of the reason I haven't had time to write or read blogs lately. Our house in back on the market and we are working very hard to get things done so hopefully someone will buy it. There have been several house projects that Jon has completed in the last week, and when he is doing that it is my job to keep the kids out from underfoot. I have been doing a lot of cleaning for showings. My house isn't normally dirty, but it isn't always company clean, so keeping it clean has become a priority. We found a house that we would love, in a town we would love, but in order to make an offer we must sell our house. Keep your fingers crossed for me please!

In addition both Jon and Madeline are done with school for the summer. For Jon this is the first summer since before we were married that he has not worked. It means some changes for our budget, but not too many as we have been planning for this since he got the new teaching job back in September. It means that we are also adjusting to both being home all day, something that is usually only a week long occurrence a few times a year. I am happy to have him home during the day, and the kids are thrilled. It has meant a change to our schedule but we are finding our new rhythm.

I have been spending time in the garden and it is doing really well. The beans are flowering, my tomatoes are budding and I even have a few peppers growing. The zucchini plants are huge, but no flowers yet. My corn stalks (all 20 of them) are almost to my waist, which hopefully means we will get more than 1 teeny tiny ear of corn this year.

We have also been canning for the first time! Jon and I spent three evenings making strawberry jam and it came out great. We are looking forward to trying our hand at other vegetables and fruit as the summer progresses. I have also been freezing vegetables. Our beans are not in yet, but the pick your own beans at our csa farm are and I have frozen four pints in the past week for use in the winter.

That is my update. Life is very busy this blog is low on my priority list for the next few months. I will try to get on here and post my weekly menu and grocery budget, but I don't know how much more I will get to. I am going to take time to think about what I want to do with this blog and hopefully by the end of summer, if not sooner, I will know what I want to do. Please be patient with me!

Extreme Couponing

Have you watched this show on TLC? At first I was very skeptical about people who could get their groceries for 10% of the original cost. But I decided before judging I needed to watch the show.

So I did. Well I dvr'd it since I was at work that night. But I watched it several days later.

And I was intrigued. So I watched it another week.

And that is when I noticed something. A few somethings.

First I will say that what these people are doing is amazing. The amount of food and other products they get for free just astounds me. The organization that they have with their coupons amazes me. I only wish I could be half as organized as they are.

But their stockpiles actually scare me a little. Don't get me wrong, I am all for a stockpile. I have one. It is NOTHING compared to what I saw on this show. But I am happy with that. I honestly don't want my grocery shopping to take over my house, and that is what is happening to some of these people. Some of their purchases make sense. But the woman who bought 63 bottles of mustard because it was 30 cents? That was beyond extreme. Or the wall of toothpaste? Can you even use that much toothpaste in one lifetime?

One comment that stuck with me was a woman commenting that she had 37 packages of a product at home (I think it was something like 1000 flushes) and wondering whether she should get more. I think she is safe not buying more packages at the moment. Unless of course she is making money on it.

Yes I said making money on coupons. I only wish my grocery stores did that. My stores have a policy that they will double coupons but only to the value of the product. If I could make money by using coupons I might buy more of certain products. But I don't believe I would buy quite as many as the people on this show do.

I also wonder where many of thes people get their coupons. They spend more time than I do at my job on their coupons. In some ways it pays off. But if they are buying their coupons, and some people do, shouldn't that factor into the grocery bill? The show doesn't say if anyone buys their coupons but I wonder if they do. I also cannot imagine spending the equivalant of a full work week on coupons. I know the title of the show is extreme couponing, but this seems beyond extreme.

The last thing I noticed is that the shoppers ring up their store's shopper card at the END of the order. This makes the savings seems like more than they are. By that I mean these shoppers are saving a great amount with coupons, but a lot of the savings is coming from their stores sales as well. This is not wrong, but I think it is a little misleading of the show. Others may disagree, but that is my opinion.

I will continue to watch the show, I think I can learn from it. And I will continue to coupon. However I will NEVER be like the people on the show. And I don't think I actually want to be!

What do you think of the show? Am I missing some great learning opportunity?

If I could see myself...

When I was fifteen I never thought about life after high school. I mean, I knew I wanted to go to college and I knew I wanted a degree in education. But I never really thought about it. And I certainly never thought about kids and being married.

Even when I was in college, after I met Jon, I never really thought about being married and having kids. I knew from very early on that Jon was it. He was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was right (I am a lot of the time) and five years after we started dating (almost to the day) we were married. But even then I didn't really think about having kids.

After we had been married a few months the baby bug bit. It bit me, but it didn't quite get Jon. I think he swatted it away. After we had been married a year the bug bit him and we started trying to get pregnant. but even then I didn't really think about what having a baby would be like. I knew I wanted it but it didn't truly click how much I would change when that child was born.

I have changed to much in the past few years. That is normal I think. But I think about myself at 15 and wonder if I would recognize me if my 15 year old self met my 31 year old self. Yes that was half a lifetime ago. And I wouldn't want to be like a teenager now. But there are some things I never expected to want.

For example, even four years ago I never thought about the food I ate. I tried to by healthy but I didn't think past that. I didn't think about pesticides, or hormones, or preservatives. I bought prepackaged, frozen meals and used them often. But now I think about them a lot. Being a mom has really opened my eyes to what we eat.

Five years ago I never thought about my budget. Jon and I have always been savers. We never bought things we can't afford. But we also never thought about how much we wanted to spend at the grocery store, or ways to save there. Being a stay at home mom and wanting to remain that way (while staying out of debt!) has opened my eyes to coupons, budgets, cooking from scratch, meal planning (that was not even in my vocabulary a few years ago) and other money saving strategies. Having my own garden and actually working on it to make it successful is something new to me as well.

When Jon and I first got married none of those topics was in my radar. I know I didn't think about diapers before I was pregnant with Madeline. But if I had I am fairly certain the term "cloth diaper" would not have been one I would have used. And forget "cloth wipes." I don't even know what made me think about cloth diapers at all. But five years later I am very happy to use them.

And homeschooling? Nothing I ever thought I would consider! When I was teaching I thought homeschooling moms were a bit nuts (no offense to any homeschooling moms!). I didn't know anything about it other than their kids MUST be antisocial. I was very wrong. And I just spend a few months teaching myself about the topic. It isn't the avenue we will be pursuing but I see how it can work for many, many families.

Five years ago I didn't think about vaccines. If the doctor recommended it then my daughter got it. I don't know what opened my eyes to that topic, but since reading The Vaccine Book, Jon and I have had several discussions and approach vaccines in a much different way with our children.

Seven years ago I didn't think I would still be in this house. This was supposed to be our 3 to 5 year house. Seven years later, and three kids later, we are still here for the foreseeable future. I didn't think how living on one income would effect our plans to move. We are happy in our house, I love my little house and my yard and my neighborhood. But I would like to move to a town with better schools before Madeline gets to middle school.

I NEVER thought I would even consider having chickens. Now it is something I would really like. However with a border collie for a pet we would need a much bigger yard to have chickens. So that plan will hold off. Maybe in our next house (that we will buy before Madeline gets to middle school I hope).

In some circles I would be considered crunchy (baby wearing, cloth diapers, sometimes co-sleeping, breast feeding, delay vaxing, etc) but in others I would be considered completely mainstream. I don't know what to call myself. I just do what works for my family. One thing I do know, if I saw myself now when I was 15 I would not have believed who I would become.

My two cents

I breastfeed. I do it because it is (the next thing to) free food for my child. It is healthy, natural and easy to get to. I like the bond that I have with my child because of it. I also feel it is easy- I never worry about running low or out and there is nothing to warm up and no bottles to mix. I can be lazy about it. I am not saying it is always easy, but for the most part it is easy for me.

I hate the slogan "breast is best." I know we are trying to teach moms that breast milk is best. However what we are doing is creating a line between breastfeeding moms and formula feeding moms and adding to the mommy wars.

I hate that even though I am told "breast is best," I am also told that I need to supplement with vitamin D because my breast milk actually does not provide ALL my baby needs to grow. The slogan states that "breast is best" but if you use formula you don't need to supplement at all. That does not make any sense.

I hate that I am told that "breast is best" but if I want to feed your child outside of my home please cover up or find a private place to do it. If breastfeeding is so wonderful why must I hide in a corner (or as one museum employee suggested, the bathroom) to feed my child?

It is natural and apparently something that most doctors want all moms to do, but we must hide while doing it lest we make others feel uncomfortable (and yes I used the word lest.) I don't eat under a blanket and my baby really prefers not to as well. I will be modest about the process but please don't glare at me for feeding my child. I would prefer not to become a recluse who cannot leave her house in order to do what "is best" for my child. A sane mommy is really the best thing for my child.

I hate that we as moms feel the need to compare each other. Yes there are bad moms out there. They hurt their children (and by this I do not mean feed them junk food or formula or let them watch tons of TV), or neglect their children. But most of us are just doing our best.

We try to learn from our mistakes. We try to raise our kids to be good people. Preferably healthy people. But since no people are identical it is unlikely that any two moms will parent identically.

Some would consider me to be a helicopter mom. I am trying VERY hard not to fit into that category but there are some who feel I fit well into that category. Either way, that does not make me a bad mom or a lesser mom.

I am an average, just good enough, trying her hardest mommy and I am proud of the job I am doing. I am also happy to learn from other mommies, whether they are average like me, or supermoms, or super crafty moms, or any kind of mom. We can all learn from each other, rather than warring against each other.

Amazon Deal

I have written about how I am trying to incorporate more organic products into my household but budget constraints make it difficult at times. Today I found a deal that I needed to pass along. Amazon.com is having a sale on Seventh Generation products. They are 15% off for Amazon.com Mom subscribers and an additional 15% off if you sign up for subscribe and save. To give you an example a box of toilet bowl cleaners (you get eight 32 ounce bottles) costs $26.32 After you save 30% the cost is $18.42 which is just$2.30 a bottle. yes this is a ton of toilet cleaner (and even with five people in this house it will take me awhile to go through it) but the savings are great and I can either stockpile it or find someone who wants to split a case with me. They have several other of their Seventh Generation cleaning products on sale, this is just one example.

Also, thanks for the comments on my decision for Lent. The positive thoughts are very helpful! I am hopeful to keep it well under the 90 minutes, but with the online commitments I have made I think 90 minutes will be just enough time some days!

Ash Wednesday and Lent

For Lent I am going to be cutting back on my computer time. I am a very devout person and I do not follow my religion as much as I should. However I really do want to be a better person. I am taking advantage of this time as a reminder that sacrifice is something that needs to be done and can remind us of all that we have. And this is a sacrifice that I am hoping will have positive ramifications in my life.
I would love to be able to say I can give up my computer for Lent but that isn't realistic for my lifestyle. I use the computer for work (which cannot be avoided) and to pay bills and to balance the checkbook and to find coupons as well as for recreational purposes. Instead I am limiting myself to 90 minutes on days when I don't work and 150 minutes on days when I do (giving myself one hour of time at work to write my reports for appointments). I think it is sad that I am allowing myself so much time, but yet I am cutting WAY back on the time I do spend on here.
In the 90 minutes a day I am allowed at home I need to balance the time to achieve the needed chores for the day (bill paying, coupon searching, recipe needs, shopping if needed) with my recreational use. I am very hopeful that this time will show me that I do not NEED my computer as much as I think I do. I am also hopeful that I will have time to work on the to do list I have. I will spend more time with my kids (not that I neglect them now!) doing projects with them and hopefully be outdoors as spring is just around the corner! I may even read a book or two with my extra time.
In addition I will be moving the computer from the kitchen counter back to the computer room. It is far to easy to open the laptop and log in when it is in the most frequently used room in my house. When it is out of sight it is also out of mind. Plus I can't hear the kids as well from the playroom/office unless they are in there. And this will also help me with my goal to declutter the kitchen counter!
I will continue to write my blogs but they may be more sporadic then they are now (if that is possible). Bear with me please.
I hope you will still be here at Easter!

Dirty Dishes

Dirty dishes made me feel better today.
Life has been more stressful than usual lately. And I still can't let myself cut back on my chores. I feel like I am failing if I do. No one makes me feel this way. No one except for me. (Why are we hardest on ourselves?)
Until today.
I left a sinkful of dirty dishes when I left the house this morning.
For me that is unusual. I am not a perfect housekeeper. My house is clean but not spotless. But above all other things I HATE leaving dishes in the sink.
But this morning I did. I had dishes from last night as well as breakfast this morning.
By doing that I made my life easier. I fed both MAdeline and Owen their breakfast, I got both kids dressed, did Madeline's hair and nursed Ben without feeling rushed. I packed the diaper bag and made my grocery list. I packed the snacks for the morning. And I got out of the house on time without extra stress.
Nothing bad happened. The dishes were there when I got home and had time to clean them. They are washed and put away now.

I think I will try this experiment again another day.

One of THOSE weeks

We had one of those weeks. The kind that leaves me putting "is this week over yet?" as a post on my facebook on Tuesday. The ones that cost a lot of time and money.

While I want to vent about the things that went wrong I am not going to. Instead I am going to write a few things that went well. This is part of my personal goal to complain less and realize my blessings more!
1. Madeline did not cry when I dropped her off at school this week! She only had one day due to snow removal but I will take what I can get.
2. Several friends and family called on my birthday and sang to me!
3. Jon got me an ice cream sundae on my birthday. Chocolate ice cream, fudge and peanut butter topping. He put a candle on it and sang to me as well.
4. I did my yoga video 3 times this week
5. I took the three kids to the Holyoke Children's Museum yesterday morning and we had a great time.
6. The snow is pretty to look at.
7. I turned 31 on Monday and I am happy to admit my age
8. I have a lunch date with my grandma tomorrow
9. Owen and I had a hilarious conversation about his belly button not being a hole this morning
10. Jon invited my three best friends and their families over for dinner on Sunday to celebrate my birthday. It will be great!

How was your week?

They say bad things come in three

I really hope they are right about that saying. We have had expensive things go wrong this weekend. Luckily Jon was able to fix one.

1. The first thing that went wrong was the camera got lost. And it appears that the snow ate it. And there is a lot of snow. Jon looked everywhere he could. but with a 6 foot tall snowpile in the yard it makes finding lost items (even red ones) a bit difficult. I figure it will show up before spring but we will buy another camera soon. I can't go months without taking pictures of my kids.

2. The bathroom lights won't work. Well, one set doesn't work. One set does. They feed from different lines from the electrical box. They have not worked in a month and Jon thought he could fix it. He tried this weekend (while he was tired and not feeling well) and could not. He got frustrated (due to being tired and not feeling well) and wants another week before I call the electrician. He had three snow days in the last week but due to kids being sick and Jon procastinating (but he let me sleep in so I can not complain too much) the work is not done yet. I don't want to keep waiting, but I really do not want to pay an electrician if we don't need to. Oh yeah, the heater in the baby's room won't work either. Luckily we use the pellet stove but it would be nice to have it work when we want it to. So Jon has a busy weekend.

3. My kids tried to break our pellet stove. Well, they didn't try to break it, but they almost succeeded. Madeline decided to throw one of Ben's teething toys (which happens to be a C shape) across the room. It landed in the open hopper of the pellet stove. No one knew until Jon checked it when the fire died about a half hour later. Turns out the C shape is perfect for getting caught in the auger (which feeds the pellets into the fire) and jamming the whole thing. Jon spend about 20 minutes trying to fix it. Thankfully he did since that is our heat source for the house. And replacing it would be expensive. The hopper will be closed from now on at all times.

So remember the post I wrote about vacations a few days ago? Well reason 1 and 2 are why we might not be taking the spring vacation. An electrician will probably cost what we would have spent on our hotel in Baltimore. But given the choice I would rather have working lights and a camera than a vacation.

So, any suggestions on a good camera? An inexpensive, good, digital camera?

More Snow?

I live in New England. Snow happens.
The past few winters we have not had as much snow as in the past. So I have kinds gotten used to not having so many snowed in days. But not this year.
We have about 2 feet of snow outside right now. Our snowpile from our driveway is taller than Jon, who is 6 foot. I would post pictures but the snowpile outside apparentely swallowed my camera. I was hoping for a thaw so it could reappear, but with more snow coming I don't think I will see my camera for a LONG time. Hopefully it reappears in the spring. (no we are not waiting that long for it, I sadly will be buying a new camera before the week is up.)
And they are predicting more snow tomorrow. Jon who is a teacher does NOT want a snow day after having two last week. He wants to get some teaching done. I want Madeline to go to school since it has been almost a week since she went last. The longer she goes without a school day, the more difficult drop off becomes. If she stays home we will do more learning activities like we did this morning to help with her routine and just accept that dropoff on Thursday will not be fun!
But even with all those complications I love the snow. The kids spent hours playing outside Wednesday, Thursday and Friday last week enjoying the snow. Saturday we all went sledding. By we all, I mean Jon, Madeline and Owen went sledding. I stood at the top of the hill with Ben strapped to my back. But I had tons of fun watching. And laughing at Jon carrying Owen up the hill, over and over and over again. Snow provides free entertainment for my kids and free exercise for Jon (when he cleans off my car!).
However they are predicting ice on top of the snow. This I do not like. Ice often leads to power outages. I do not like those. Ice makes cleaning my car off much more of a production, I do not like that either.

Oh well. What can you do? Besides move to a warmer climate? Not much. I will cross my fingers that we keep our power on and be thankful for my 4 wheel drive in case Madeline does have school. And if school is cancelled we will be making some valentines day projects and baking up a storm!

Decluttering

I am participating in Feeding Four's friendly Wednesday. If you are stopping by from there welcome!

We have an 1100 square foot house. With five people and a dog living here things can get a little crowded at times. Without a basement (yes it seems weird but our house built on a slab) we have little in the way of storage space. At one time we used our garage for storage (not for the actual purpose of parking a car) but we have since converted the space into a playroom for our ever growing collection of toys. So space is at a premium.

De cluttering is something I want to do but I struggle with it. I never know where to start. And I struggle with getting rid of kids things since we are sure are family is complete yet.

But enough is enough. And after Christmas (we have lots of generous family) we realized that some things just needed to go. And they went. I went through my clothes and got rid of two garbage bags full of things either too big or things I haven't worn in over a year. Jon got rid of two garbage bags full of clothes as well. We had a few bags of kids clothes left over from a tag sale (things I either never dressed my kids in or things we had too much of) and they went out the door. We even pared down the toys a little. The Boys and Girls Club was coming through our neighborhood and that was incentive enough for us. We pared down the amount of stuff in our house and things were donated to a good cause.

I love my house. I struggle with storage in it. Hopefully this latest purge will help me keep the amount of stuff in my house down. But with three kids that could be difficult!

New Years Resolutions

New Years is coming fast and it is always a time to make resolutions. In the past I made some unnattainable ones, and other times they have been plain silly. I want the ones I make this year to make sense, to be real goals.
So I have been thinking and thinking and these are my resolutions for the next year.

1. To make my lifetime goal weight of 118 by the end of January and stay there. I would love to weigh less, but I am reaching for achievable things here.

2. To work on being more patient. I don't know how to measure this one, but it is something I need to work on.

3. To slow down and pay attention more. I really try to do this, but I want to make more of an effort. Life goes by WAY to fast!

4. To declutter around the house. We have so much stuff and not enough place for it. The house is not getting any bigger so the stuff must get smaller.

5. To eat more fruits and veggies and drink more water.

6. To take more pictures of my kids.

7. To have a monthly date night with Jon, even if it is simply sitting up and watching a movie after the kids are in bed, or sitting by the firepit in the summer and having a drink together. Time just for us.

8. To go to church weekly.

9. To judge others less. I don't make judgements out loud, but making them to myself is bad enough.

10. Kiss Jon everyday.

11. To find a way to make an income without working outside the home. I don't know if this is possible but it is something I am going to give some time, thought and effort to.

What are your goals and resolutions for the New Year?