Acceptance

Some days acceptance is hard.  Right now I am working on accepting that I am entering a new phase of life- one that does not involve any more babies.

I never wanted more than four kids, it never occurred to me to want more than four kids.  At times I wasn't even sure I would want four- those sleepless nights and wrangling a baby and a toddler, or a baby and a toddler and a preschooler can really wear on a girl.  But after Ben turned 1 I just knew that the family was not complete.  Jon knew before I did, but he also got to sleep a lot more than I did during that first year!

Now we have four children.  While I can't imagine being able to wrangle another child, it is still hard to know that I will never have another baby.

Some days I am okay with it.  Some days I am more than okay with the fact that four kids is what is right for us.  And I know deep down that this is my family, and my family is complete.

But right now we are cleaning out as we get ready to list our house for sale.  And cleaning out involves getting rid of items we don't need anymore. For the first time this involves baby items.  Never in the past have I been able to donate, sell or trash baby items as there was always the possibility and probability that we would need them in the future.  But now there are items we are actually outgrowing.  The swing that held all four of my babies (some enjoyed it more than others) is going to be donated at the end of this week.  I have been selling Madeline's outgrown clothes as we won't have anymore little girls to put them in.  The bumbo and baby tub are going soon as well.  Many more items will follow as Wyatt outgrows them and there is no other baby to hold them for or pass them on to.

Each item that I put out the door or mark for sale hurts me a little.  I know, really know, deep down that this is my family and that more kids are not in our future.  But at the same time, accepting that this phase of my life is over, it isn't as easy as I hoped it would be.

So I will sit down and shed a few tears over the baby items.  I will mark some for my "someday quilt" of baby clothes that have too many memories attached to pass on.  First outfits, loved dresses and rompers.  Some items are adorable and I can't let them go.  But for the many, many, many items that go out the door I hope that others get as much use and joy out of the baby items I donate and pass along.  And I will hug my babies and be incredibly grateful that I am able to be at home with them.  Because knowing that I spend as much time as I can with them makes growing out of the newborn/baby phase a little bit easier.

I will accept this new phase in my life.  And I will work on embracing it and focusing on all the good things to come.