Sunday, July 12, 2009

Baby Blues

Well, not really the baby blues because that typically comes after you have a baby. I am having the when do I want another baby blues. We had a plan. I am good with plans. I like plans. And I am having trouble with the plan. The plan was to have all of our babies in the spring if we could. And so far it has worked out that way, very easily.
We also wanted our kids about two years apart. That worked out easily as well.
So far.
If we continue this trend that means I get pregnant in the next couple of months.
This scares me.
I don't know why I am so scared this time and I haven't been before.
And that scares me more.

With big rugrat it was easy. She was our first and I had NO idea what I was getting into. I loved it. I liked being pregnant, even after being diagnosed with getstational diabetes and having the worries that go along with it. Even when dealing with postpartum depression I loved being a mom. And I loved being at home. The transition was hard, but I count my blessings that I can be with her at home each day.
With little rugrat it wasn't as easy, but I still loved it and couldn't wait to be pregnant again. For one I knew I would have gestational diabetes. I monitored my blood sugar from the first doctor's appointment on. I went on medication a little earlier and was in for extra appointments a little earlier. I still loved being pregnant. I didn't mind getting bigger once you could tell I was pregnant (I do hate that "is she fat or is she pregnant?" stage). The postpartum depression was very mild this time, but I worried alot about it before he was born. But little rugrat is also an easy kid. He is busy and takes a lot more energy than big rugrat and again I love being a mom. I always love being with him. And I am still lucky enough to be at home. I work ten hours a week, but for half of it Jon is home.
Now we start talking about baby number three. And I am scared. I want another baby, the family just doesn't feel complete yet. But what about the diabetes? What about the postpartum depression? Can I handle three kids under the age of 4?
If we start trying now in May I could have a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a newborn. WOW. That is what I always wanted. So why I am so unsure now? If we have a spring baby Jon is already planning not to work at all next summer (he teaches and this year is doing summer school so we can save some extra money away). That means extra help. Plus I don't work during the summer so we don't lose my paycheck at all.
But it also means spending the winter trying to find someone to watch my two kids while trucking to the doctor's office once or twice a week from about 5 1/2 months on. Or taking the kids with me.
If we wait and try for a late summer baby (which means I get to be 9 months pregnant in August in New England....) then Jon is home while I am at most of my doctor appointments. But then he goes back to work right after the baby is born, big rugrat starts preschool right after the baby is born and I don't go back to work so we lose about 3 months of my paychecks.
The last option is trying for a winter baby. But having a baby in New England in the winter means a lot more time bundling up before going out. However, it means I may only miss a month of work (I get about 5 weeks off for winter break) and Jon is home extra during the holidays. It is a toss up. Plus little rugrat would be 2 1/2 and big rugrat would be 4 1/2. But again, a newborn in the winter in New England, with two older children who LOVE to be outside.
There is no easy decision here.
I keep reminding myself that I am lucky. I know I am lucky because:
1. we can have another baby, not everyone has an easy time getting pregnant. I do and I try not to forget how lucky I am for that
2. we are okay financially and will not worry. again, not everyone can afford another baby. things will be tighter around here, but we wills till be fine.
3. I am young enough that we can postpone for awhile if we want, even a year or two could pass and I still have plenty of time!
4. even with my complications I have it so much better than some. checking blood sugar, watching my diet, taking glyburide (to help my body produce insulin) and going to the doctors extra is nothing compared to the bed rest and hospitalizion that some women go through
5. I have two healthy children
6. I have family who is there to help if and when I need it
7. becuase I get pregnant pretty easily I can try to plan better when I want to have the next baby. I can't garuantee which month I would be due in, but so far I have gotten pregnant during the first month of wanting to.

I know everything will work itself out. I am just feeling so thrown by not being ready. Everytime I see a newborn I get that feeling the one where you wnat to have another one RIGHT NOW. But then I picture myself with three kids and I get scared.
To anyone who reads this and has three or more kids close in age, please tell me, how do you do it?!?!?!

1 comment:

Shanna said...

I have a 4 1/2 year old, a 3 1/2 year old and a 4 month old and I love it. Honestly, I found that there was more of a change from one to two than two to three. I think because my first two were so close in age and now they are much older and can help me or just occupy themselves.

We were blessed the second and third time, God made the decision for us to be pregnant. We had decided just to let what happens, happen and it worked out well. I think no matter what, you will be a bit scared. I was and still am at times when I think about having three and only two hands myself!!