Monday, August 8, 2011

Getting ready

Madeline will be starting school in a month. I am truly struggling with this in many ways. For one I still would love to homeschool her for at least her kindergarten year. But after many discussions with Jon he still does not feel it is right for our family. I understand his hesitations but disagree with his views. However this is not a decision I can make alone, this is something we must decide together.

As I am realizing I will not be teaching Madeline at home I became hopeful that our house would sell this summer and we would be in a better town before she started school. After 45 days on the market we have not had an offer. While I know this is not a long time to be on the market I was still hopeful that we would be in a new house before school starts, or at least soon after.

The third reason I am struggling with school this year is that kindergarten is full day in my city. I do not agree with full day kindergarten for many important reasons. However I do not have the option of half day unless Jon and I find tuition money for private school (where is that money tree in the backyard when you need it?) or we decide to go the homeschool route. Madeline enjoyed school last year but a few things happened that concern me about her in kindergarten this year. I am hopeful that the 6 months that have passed since our last conference with her teacher will have helped Madeline grow, but I still hold concerns that she did not grow as much as we had hoped.

I am amazed at how much I am struggling with the idea of Madeline going to school in one month. It has worsened my overall anxiety (and Jon has noted the increase on several occasions). It is also effecting my sleep at night. And it overall just plain makes me sad. And this concerns me. Is it normal to feel this way? To talk to several of the moms I know it is not. To feel sad about your child going to kindergarten is normal, but to the extreme that I am seems not to be. Several moms I know are actually excited to have their kids go, and mention to me how much easier things will be with only two kids at home instead of all three. However, I do not know anyone else who feels as strongly about half day kindergarten, or homeschooling, as I do which may be one reason I feel so abnormal. But I worry. I start to think I will be one of those mothers who never lets her kid grow up. The ones they like to feature on "Mom Swap." The ones who appear crazy. I don't want to be that way. But I can't let go of the anxiety I am feeling, and the overall sadness. I will miss her terribly. If I am abnormal I hope that it passes as she learns to love school, but I also worry that if she is struggling with school that my issues will come through. How can I encourage something I truly do not agree with? How do I put those feelings aside? I know I will, I have before. But right now I am struggling to find the strength to do this.

In case you haven't noticed before I tend to extremes. I worry that everything will be all horrible or am convinced that everything will be perfectly okay. In reality things tend to settle somewhere in the middle. And I need to keep reminding myself of that, and this will be one of those times hopefully. But any advice on how to handle my anxiety and sadness would be greatly appreciated.

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